Entry 121

(Written in 10.2023)

Scene of a girl’s thoughts to herself about loneliness

---

The recurring feeling in my life of recent years has returned – loneliness. It seems that we have become inseparable in the last year or so. Yes, I converse with friends occasionally and have quite some fun. Yet with my heavily guarded heart and no one of whom to tell about my innermost thoughts, I feel desperately lonely to the point that I am imagining anyone close to becoming my boyfriend, despite the proved uselessness of them in any real time of need. If anything, I feel more heavily shrouded in loneliness during those times in which I was taken. So why do I still have these fanciful notions/expectations for having a boyfriend?

People who understand me most seem to have a way of leaving. Or maybe we are so close in spirit that they are all taking off to brave new adventures of their own, like I am currently doing as well. Nonetheless, I feel left behind. I am so bad at keeping contact over long distance that I feel like I’ve lost them. I feel so lonely whenever I’m alone. I feel lonely in the crowd or people whom I call friends. It’s so hard to try and make new friends. No one seems to stick. Or care to know me enough, I feel like. Or am I just not letting them in? I don’t know anymore. Do people still make new best friends at my age? Where can I find people willing to? I believe they do, but I am doubtful if any success should shine upon me.

I feel trapped.

Sometimes I feel so gloomy or frustrated yet do not think I have the urge to cry. However, I think I am wrong on occasions, quite frequent in these few days, that I actually do need to let out some waterworks. I know I want a hug from a good friend who understands me tonight. When I imagine someone hugging me though, tears started to swell in my eyes and I realise I do not just want a hug, I want to cry and cry my eyes out during that as well. I do not know how much pent-up sadness or loneliness or frustration I have accumulated. But I know that I am agitated these few days because of that. I am also unable to articulate exactly how or why or what are pent up. I just want a good brawl, but it seems that I am incapable of doing so at the moment which leaves me unsolved and nowhere on both the mental and emotional fronts.

On a side note, I wanted a hug so bad that I actually considered calling on my ex-boyfriend to do it if I were to choose someone, not that I think he would agree, especially now that he has a girlfriend.